I used to be single. During that time, Super Bowl Sunday often meant an opportunity to be around single men and try to see if any possible relationships could exist. Over the years I learned that it helps to at least pretend that I like and understand football in such a setting. Now, as a married woman, I still find myself creating a cheat sheet for big games just so I sound impressive.
I figured I could share this year.
Here are 10 tips for clueless women watching the Super Bowl:
1. Know the Basics
First of all, it’s important to understand (some of) the basics of football. Here’s a quick two minute video that explains everything a woman should know approaching the game. It’s animated, so that helps.
Also, as a side note, there is no “Fifth Down.” This can be very confusing because everyone likes to yell “Fourth Down” very loud and excitedly. Don’t do the same for “Fifth Down.” I repeat: There is no “Fifth Down.” Not that I ever made this mistake personally…
2. Know the Teams
This year the Carolina Panthers are playing the Denver Broncos. Make sure you pick your favorite team. I usually decide what team I’m cheering for based on my favorite colors and/or mascot. Of course, don’t tell anyone that’s why they are your team. You can put together a cute outfit wearing the team colors, though.
Take a look at these pics and decide your favorite:
3. Know Key Players
I didn’t feel like studying this point too much, but I can tell you the two names you need to know are Peyton Manning, #18 (Broncos) and Cam Newton, #1 (Panthers). I would post pics but that really doesn’t help because they all wear those dumb helmets and look exactly the same.
4. Refer to your Fantasy Team
Most crazy football fans play Fantasy Football. It’s basically the socially acceptable form of Dungeons and Dragons (don’t repeat that). A good time to refer to your fantasy Fantasy Team is after someone makes a good play. Just murmur under your breath, “Geez, he didn’t do that when he was on my fantasy team.”
5. Know Nicknames
Knowing nicknames will really make you look like a legit fan. For example, to really impress Broncos fans, be sure to call Cam Newton “Scam Newton” at some point during the game. I don’t know the story but Brandon says it will sound impressive. Here’s an explanation that I didn’t read just in case you’re interested.
6. Know who’s Retiring
Some players on the field are playing their last game of their career. This game happens to be Peyton’s last. At some point when he is mentioned be sure to quietly murmur, “We sure are gonna miss Peyton next year,” or “Man, I can’t believe he’s done after this.”
7. Know a Couple Random Stories of Players
Apparently ESPN often features famous players. Brandon says the story about Broncos receiver Demaryius Thomas and his mother’s false imprisonment made a lot of noise. Here’s another link for info I didn’t read in case you’re interested. Just be sure to say something along the lines of, “Aw man the story about his mother is insane!”
8. Know Key Football Phrases
Get a few football phrases in your back pocket to give yourself instant credibility. For example, every time the offense (the dudes with the ball) completes a pass (gets it to another dude on the same team) say, “Man the defense blew that coverage!” Or every time someone tackles someone really hard say, “he got trucked” or “hit stick!”
9. Take Frequent “Phone Calls” and “Bathroom Breaks”
Leaving the room for various excuses will give you plenty of time to look up more information on the game whenever you run out of lines. Or it will give you a chance to be entertained for a minute and tune into anything else other than football. Pacing yourself is crucial.
10. When all else Fails, Keep your Mouth Shut
It’s important to spend a lot of time staring intently at the game without speaking. Trust me, I’ve gone into overkill once or twice. At least look like you’re watching the game while you spend that time planning your week or grocery list. Also, if anyone asks you a question about the game that you don’t know the answer to just keep staring at the screen and giving them a “wait a second” finger like you’re really into it and they are distracting you.
Super Bowl Sunday is a difficult night for some women, but it’s well worth the effort to impress friends or the cute guy in the room. Be sure to constantly remind yourself that it’s only one night and you don’t have to suffer through it again for a year. Plus, you have the commercials to offer a little entertainment.
Any other tips? Comment below!
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