Women & Porn, Part 1 – What Every Christian Woman Should Know

Today begins a series on pornography and how it affects women, particularly in the church. I want to make it clear that my dear husband is fighting the good fight and is finding victory in this area. I also want to make it clear that I’m not writing anything that has not been approved, and even encouraged by him. We both agree there seems to be a lack of understanding and help for women that are affected by pornography and we hope that together we can begin talking about the issues of porn and lust in a way that isn’t often talked about. Our prayer is that it begins conversations that need to be had and offers help to women who feel like they are barely hanging on.

Porn.

The word that every woman knows, but rarely is ever uttered.

The ghost that leaves so many of us isolated, yet remains hidden from our sight.

The poison that is silently killing us, yet most don’t know we’ve swallowed.

I try not to blog about serious matters unless they are weighing heavy on my heart. Today we are far past “weighing heavy.” Many days this subject feels like it is crushing my heart.

For whatever reason, God has created me to write. I don’t mean that I’m good at it. I just mean that I usually don’t feel complete resolution to the pain or conviction going on inside of me until it is shared outwardly. With that being said, I’m not entering this blog series without any thought. In fact, I have fought any idea of writing about porn for nearly a year now. It’s more than a sensitive subject for many women. It can be excruciating.

But as the days and weeks have passed without much of anything pressing on my heart strong enough to write about, this subject just pushes harder and harder. So maybe I’m supposed to write about it.

Maybe you are supposed to read it.

I constantly encourage my readers to “embrace the awkward” so I know I need to keep practicing it myself. So here we go again – tackling a subject that is more than awkward for many women. And here I go again – painfully sharing the dark, unseen places of my heart that are torturing me. How I pray that it begins to free my soul, and maybe even yours in the process.

I’m only one 26 year old with a limited lens into the worldwide phenomenon of pornography. And my lens is that of a newly married Christian, which is why I write with a focus to women within the church. I don’t think I have close to a full view of the issue – I just have my tiny lens. But I hope I can begin to fill what I detect as a gap in many churches when it comes to women and the issue of pornography in our lives.

Statistics now show many women are addicted to pornography, and while I think that is something that needs to be talked about, that’s not purpose of this particular blog series.

This blog series is aimed towards Christian women that are either affected by a loved one’s past or present pornography struggle or Christian women that have not considered pornography as a part of their lives.

I was first aware of pornography as a little girl when I saw the computer screen of a family friend without anyone’s knowledge. I quickly forgot about it and moved on.

A few years later in elementary school my friend’s big brother showed us the world of chat rooms. I learned that there was a world full of people that used the computer for much more than schoolwork and Neopets…but I soon forgot about it and moved on.

Fast-forward to my freshman year of college and a family member of mine was thrown into jail because of a sexual addiction left unhandled. I didn’t move on quite so easily from that one.

By that point I understood very well that pornography existed. But in each of these instances, I somehow got through them thinking they are the exception, not the rule.

I remember a friend telling me in college that most guys regularly looked at pornography. I laughed at her claim and told her she was crazy, but I remember feeling a fear in the pit of my stomach as I did so.

I sure hoped she was crazy.

In hindsight, I think I had that feeling because I suspected it could be true.

But I reasoned that if MOST men took part in pornography it would surely be known. People would talk about it. The CHURCH would surely talk about it.

Yeah, she had to be crazy.

I dismissed the thought.

Then one day I found the man I wanted to marry.

As our relationship got deeper, so did my fear of the commitment. We went from giggling over ice cream together to discussing the type of family we wanted one day and what it would mean to have one together. During that time, the issue of lust came up. And I realized I loved a man that had struggled with lust for much of his life.

But I eventually dismissed it as something that was in his past. Something that marriage would cure. Something that I didn’t have to worry about. And we got married.

It was our happy beginning, and the ending to his lust issues.

I didn’t know then that the threat of lust is as real as it is. But the closer Brandon and I have gotten and the more he opens his heart to me, the more I’m beginning to understand how enslaving lust can be for men without the proper help.

And the more I understand that I can’t fix it.

I can’t keep my husband’s heart from sinning.

I can’t be the cure.

That’s a tough pill to swallow for a recovering control-freak that was already afraid of commitment in the first place.

Right now there are two types of women reading this. There is the woman that says,”What!? This is horrible! I can’t believe he has struggled with lust. Why would you ever publish this private information for the whole world to see?”
Then there is the other woman that is thinking, “No duh. He’s a man. Of course he’s struggled with lust.”

I used to be the former, now I’m the latter.

Before you hit the panic button, hear me out- No, I’m not saying every Christian man is habitually lusting or viewing pornography.

The hard truth that I am saying is that I believe many Christian men struggle on some level with lust. And the harder truth is that many aren’t telling anyone about their struggle.

Friend, please hear me: If you find yourself appalled at that statement, I’m not trying to scare you.

But if my claim is true, I believe that Christian women need to be aware.

And we need to be helped.

Because lust and pornography doesn’t just affect the men participating…it affects everyone around them. It affects wives, girlfriends, mothers and daughters. It likely affects you, whether on a large or small scale, whether you know it or not.

And if doesn’t affect you, it is affecting someone in your life.

I’ve found that women are either ignorant to the realities of pornography, or they feel isolated because of the realities of pornography.

What a great scheme Satan has. Porn makes Christian men feel isolated, helpless and ashamed while Christian women either unknowingly suffer from the affects of porn or also feel isolated, helpless and ashamed.

Spoiler alert: There is good news in the midst of this devastating darkness.

Over the next few weeks we will look at three truths for Christian women affected by a loved one’s lust and/or porn struggle:

  1. We are not alone.

  2. We are not helpless.

  3. We don’t have to be ashamed.

This is not an easy subject to tackle. But by God’s grace Brandon and I are going to tackle it together over the coming weeks. My prayer is that this blog series reaches the following people:

  1. Christian women who have not thought much about the issue of lust and/or pornography and want to learn more.
  2. Christian women that are suffering from the affects of lust and/or pornography.
  3. Christian men who are in the fight against lust and want a glimpse into the heart of a woman affected by the struggle.
  4. Church leaders who want to begin helping the women in their church body when it comes to this issue.

Keep checking back over the course of the next few weeks or subscribe here for updates straight to your inbox.

Next week’s blog:

Women & Porn, Part 2 – We are Not Alone

Question: What are your initial thoughts on this subject? Are there any specific questions or aspects you’d like me to address in future blogs over the issue of lust and pornography? Leave your thoughts or questions in the comment section below.

 

Related Content:

Is Your Husband’s Lust Leading to YOUR Lust?

What it Really Means When “Two Become One”

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